So i have decided that i don't believe in 'children's clothes'. And by that i mean clothes that were clearly made with a child's fashion taste in mind. The type of clothes that if you made in adult sizes would never sell because they look childish and ridiculous. There is nothing inherently wrong with these kind of clothes, they just aren't very amusing. I find little kids dressed up in chic, or trendy, grown up clothes both hilarious and adorable. If i have kids i have decided they will only dress in clothes that only the most fashionable and daring adults can pull off in everyday situations. And to those of you that say children should be able to express themselves and wear what they want, i say, screw you. Being a parent seems hard so i better be able to get my kicks while doing it.
So after i made this decision i started to think about what i would dress my theoretical kids in if i had them right now. It seemed clear to me that the funniest and possibly cutest thing possible would be a two year old boy in one of those plunging v neck tee shirts that hipsters and christian college students are so prone to wearing. I mean the idea of toddler hipsters in general is pretty hilarious. The image seemed so awesome in my head that i took to google images to find such a toddler.
There are zero pictures of little boys with plunging v neck tee shirts on the internet. I searched. I dare you to find one. As i thought about it, i realized that there may be a reason for this. On deeper analysis the image in my head, though funny, is also very child molester baity (so maybe don't take me up on that dare. I am probably on an fbi watch list now).
In my search for child hipster images i also realized there are a few reasons that it is hard to make a child look like a hipster. The first reason is that even if you put them in the right clothes, kids do not have the proper awareness of the irony that is expressed by there ridiculous fashion choices. They can put the clothes on, but you just can't make them wear them properly. Also, part of hipster fashion strategy is to look like you are an elementary school student who dressed yourself for the first time by picking random items that don't go together but that you like. On a hipster it looks like you just don't care. On a kid you just look like a kid.
The next reason it is hard to make a kid look like a true hipster is that it is so hard to teach them the posture and blank facial expressions that make you look hung over, or coming down from a 48 hour cocaine binge. That thought clearly made me think of american apparel for obvious reasons and the brilliant thought occurred to me. Maybe american apparel has a children's clothing line. That would solve all of my problems.
And yes, they do.
The clothes kind of suck, but they appear to be doing a good job at early hipster indoctrination. Here are a few of their best offerings.
She totally gets it. If only she looked a little more vaguely angry or scared
Thats better, see how her neck is tensed with aggression and her eyes show disdain but her face muscles are slack. But maybe she is over selling it.
Perfect. Kind of a frustrated deer caught in the headlights look. With stripes.
This guy is a pro at picking ridiculous hair cuts and then pretending to not be aware that his hair looks ridiculous. He also rocks that reanimated corpse posture well.
Now there is the vague fear i wanted from the first chick.
And to finish it off:
This guy is just cool
And these type of adds were creepy when the models were adults. Come on AA.